Yay · Me!

Today would have been week 20 if I were still pregnant. :( I'm doing okay. I think I'm still having some cognitive dissonance - this isn't something that fits with the life story I thought I had. I always knew it didn't make sense, but whenever I looked at my life it was quite clear how good I had things. Nothing really horrible ever happened to me or my immediate family. I wanted it to stay that way, but I was always a bit worried that I hadn't had my fair share of suffering yet. *shrug* Guess that's how it goes.

Physically I'm doing very well, except for weight. I gained 14 pounds in the 14 weeks of the pregnancy, and I managed to lose four by the middle of last week, but this week I think I've gained about 7 back. :P I thought I did better than usual at the event - most events I stuff myself nonstop. We'll see, it might be just water retention. I know it would be good anyway for me to drop all the weight at once, but it's still frustrating to see my little Wii Fit graph going up instead of down.

It's been six weeks, I can go give blood now. Maybe tomorrow, the weekend seems busy. They have been trying desperately to get people to donate, they say there's an emergency need for blood.

Got another CSA pickup this week. We got green garlic, green onions, a bigger bunch of radishes, a bunch of parsley and one of cilantro, and some broccoli rabe. We made a great big bowl of guacamole yesterday - I put too much lemon in but it was still not bad. Then for dinner we went out to our garden and picked a salad. It was a very healthy day. I'm thinking about making creamed spinach for dinner and throwing in the parsley and radish greens and maybe even the broccoli rabe, who knows. The biggest benefit from the CSA so far is getting me to cook, and to cook imaginative things. The cheese and vegetable soup from two weeks ago was excellent, even though it bore little resemblance to the recipe by the time I was done. I need to think of more stuff that's freezable, though, the fridge is full.

For those who don't know already, last weekend I had a miscarriage. It looks like the baby just never really developed. I was 14 and a half weeks, but I think things must have stopped going right quite a while ago, and my body just held on to the pregnancy. I'm very sad, but we're all doing okay, considering. Seems like this happens to lots of people - both my neighbors with kids have had at least one. I'm going to post about it, because I want to. You can read it if you feel like it, but I don't really recommend doing so. It's the kind of thing that would have upset me even before I had kids, and I'm not sparing the details.

( Miscarriage. )

Almost two weeks ago, before I knew I was miscarrying, I had a dream about the end of the world. I think it was basically the Rapture. A light brighter than anything was shining on me, dissolving me away. I knew I'd have to go to heaven, and I didn't want to - I wasn't done with my life, I wanted to find out what would happen. But there wasn't anything I could do about it; I was disappearing into the light - nothing to do but surrender to it and try to be excited about a different adventure than I'd planned on. In hindsight, it's an interesting dream.